It has been said and proven true that the past repeats itself. It’s the nature of it. And if we do no learn from the past then we are destined to repeat it to a T, good or bad. It is also said that the past makes us who we are today. True statements? I think so! Without our pasts we could not be who we are but there are also moments that we probably wish we could have avoided or dealt with sooner. Those moments for me involve love, or at least what I thought was love, and obligation.
Growing up I loved the idea of marriage. The love and family that came with it was like a fairy tale to me. My parents were amazing role models and are still married after 33 years and no matter their problems they worked it out and stayed together showing me that love could and would conquer all. I wanted that love and security that came with it. I wanted it so bad that I made a lot of decisions when it came to relationships that I should not have. And I’m not just talking heartbreak and growth, that’s a normal occurrence, but I let obligation become more important then love and happiness and it ended up being 8 years of really rough times.
I’ve been married before. There I finally said it on the blog. This is not something I am proud of being the Christian that I am and if you were to ask anyone on the outside of my marriage they would tell you is should not have happened. We were young, started dating in high school and went off to different colleges. We would be fine, or so I thought. He got into some really bad things that I knew were happening but when confronted he promised he would change and I believed him. You would think after the 6th or 7th time I confronted him I would have realized that it was not going to change. I knew in my heart that this relationship was not going to work. And that saddens me to this day that I did not follow my heart. Instead I followed the obligation that was in front of me. Everyone knew about the wedding and had been making plans to be there, so how could I ruin that?
My parents put a lot of money into the wedding already and they would not get it back so I have to go through with it right? Well, I did but the real answer is no. I was so afraid of disappointing people who were looking forward to the wedding and help plan it that I went through with it. I married a man that I loved but knew we were too different to be happy together in the long run. It ended in a divorce less 3 years later with a lot more pain.
If I could turn back time I would have never gotten married the first time. I would tell myself and now I’m telling you to follow your heart and not to worry about disappointing people or living up to obligations. Mistakes happen and it’s better to fix them early than later. I am a very happy and successful marriage now, the one I always wanted, and it’s because I followed my heart.
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